28/11/23
masochism
i don't feel loved.
i feel so isolated. my family is caving in on me and ur nowhere. ur icing me and maybe its because ur upset but dont u think i should get to know if ur upset. im both content and falling into despair, its a really confusing time. the things im doing are keeping me occupied and entertained but im also not getting as much of u as i want because of them. i have a tendancy to fall into a hobby and forget everything around me. its why i always say how i wish we could be closer so i could just be with u. its so hard for me to do long distance.
it feels like when ur without me u never wanna make much effort to bring me to u. if i dont give 130% conversation dies down and u dont tell me things like i tell u. uve said thats just not ur thing and im fine accepting that but u just really have a way of shutting me out entirely when anything happens. to u, to me, around either of us. its infurtiating. before we got together i thought a lot about the 3 month rule. some thing i heard in middle school thats honestly not failed yet. my relationships have a tendancy to fizzle out after the honeymoon phase is over. when people get to know me and i get to know them and i decide maybe i really cant fucking stand them, actually. maybe i was wrong again and the spark was just an imbalance again. maybe it was all just a lie again. not that im accusing anyone of lying, although they defo have. sooo, so many. but im a liar too. im not absolving myself of anything, im dirty just like the trash i associate with.
im just so tired of fighting. its fun for a day and then i want it to be over. if theres something going on just tell me please because im already scared of numbing myself to u. i dont want u to make that happen, please. if i stop caring about u i dont know what id do bcos ur practically the only thing keeping me here anymore. i told my gma today for the third time that the only reason i live is because they say theyd be sad if i was gone. and that im just so tired of people telling me to work and get better when i have no desire. i dont want to be better, i want to feel better. i want to do the things that make me feel good and not be depressed. i feel like my parents. i feel so trapped in fate.
i know im going to have to do something eventually i just dont know what. im probably gonna end up homeless, and when that happens i really will kill myself because im not dealing with that amount of struggling and suffering just for something i dont even fucking want. same concept, worse scenario. i dont want to keep living like this but the thought of getting better makes me violently ill. im addicted to pain and suffering, but im at my limit. so where do i go from here?
27/11/23
meds
im so stressed lately but i dont actually feel like my life warrants any stress. im attributing it to my relationship but i dont really see any reason to be stressed from that either. i mean i guess i do but looking at the overall, i dont. probs just the meds if i think about it but when ur in the haze of them its exceedingly difficult to differentiate between ur own thoughts and the chemical ones.
speaking of intrusive thoughts, she lives in my head. she. stress. "dad" ? r u serious? god is fine daddy is whatever. i hate when people refer to u with masc terms but i think id lose my mind just the same with femme terms, if not more. ur no ones but mine and when they act like they have any say in anything u do or think or feel it just makes me want to decimate everything around us. i want them to know how little they matter i want them to feel small. ur mine and just the thought of someone thinking any different even for a second peeves me beyond comprehension. my ego cant handle it. i know u would never do that but do i know? really?
lately its been a lot of paranoia. a lot of am i doing enough am i enough am i boring u? again probably somewhat med related and whatever but i dont wanna deal with the doubts. i dont really wanna deal with any of this if im being honest. im kinda fading back into the state of mind where im not necessarily suicidal but i do wish things had just ended a while ago. i feel like a dead thing floating through time and everything around me is becoming artificial again.
21/01/24
starving
i dont know what to do with myself. obviously it's been a while since i've put anything here. i feel very trapped in my head and disconnected from myself. nothing outside of myself matters lately. its not necessarily that things are caving in around me, because nothing has changed in a long time. that in itself is the issue: my life has become stagnant. i don't do anything with my time outside of playing stupid meaningless games that don't do anything for me. i could sit here and berate myself more like i usually would but it never helps anything.
i've been stuck in the past a lot. the disconnection from myself, its less feeling disconnected from myself as a person and more feeling disconnected to myself as i am now. mentally, i keep jumping between these different ages and people and focuses and interests. i don't know who i am or who i ever was. i've been thinking so much about how all along the way i considered myself alone. i talked to myself the most, i trusted myself the most, i only listened to myself. i'm so alone its killing me. it makes so much sense why i hate to be by myself. it's so loud.
i stopped taking the zoloft or whatever a while ago. about 3 weeks i think, but we know how accurate my judgement of time is. i just want to get sober. i don't remember what it's like, i remember hating it. i remember always being bored and always being angry. but this is almost just as exhausting; it's a chore. most of the time i don't even feel good i just feel relieved. i hate that feeling. you would think the relief would overpower the disgust but it almost never does anymore. i can't help but be disgusted. look what i turned myself into? i cant even function. would i have turned out like this if i hadnt made myself reliant on smoking? am i really struggling or am i making excuses for myself?